What my birthday REALLY means to me

Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks on my 22nd birthday fretting over a midterm I have tomorrow. However, I need to write this post, I just need to get this off my chest.

Growing up I was never comfortable around people, really because I knew I was different and thought it was a horrible thing and no one should find out, ever. This went on until I was 19 and moved to a larger city where I finally got some space for myself (I may have touched on this before, sorry if I have). But really, all holidays prior to my coming out were dreaded. Its so hard to describe the feelings of growing up in a heteronormative society where everything you do is dictated through its discourses, especially when you know you are outside the norm.

This is the first year that I have planned to do anything significant for my birthday. To my relief, my family will not be around. I love them to bits, no matter the troubles I encounter with them regarding my sexuality; however, this time is for me to actually celebrate something for once, to be me for once, to actually see what its like to MAYBE feel not as restricted. So, the party I planned and invited almost everyone to actually means a lot to me, it is THE FIRST time I will have a birthday where I will be happy and actually party. I mean, I went out last year and stuff on my birthday, but it wasn't the same, I was still adjusting to my new found "freedom".

I don't think my friends actually know how much this means to me. If anyone mentions this at the birthday party I will be insanely awkward, so don't if you're reading this, lol. I really really hope its a fun time and that I don't let myself down somehow.