Queermas... aka Christmas

Oh Christmas... I've never been a really religious person, but like to partake in the festivities this time of year. Some things I like about Christmas are: family, friends, hot chocolate, candy canes, snow, Christmas lights and decorations, and gift giving (not in the HIV sense). And, some things I dislike about Christmas: materialism, consumerism, depression, spending too much money, extremely cold weather, and travelling.

I really really hate going "home" for Christmas. I don't feel welcome or safe in the small ghetto community that I'm from. I've always felt this way growing up too as I realized that I'm "different" than other boys. Once I moved to go to University, I had the space and freedom to explore myself and my sexuality. This move was two and a half years ago, now I am involved in the Queer community, interested in human rights, and very open about my sexual orientation. It has not been easy, but having this sense of freedom is amazing.

This sense of freedom, however, only exists when I am not back "home" where I feel unsafe, I am out to all my friends and family yet the horrible feeling of being unsafe remains. This being said, I love the holidays because I get to relax, give and receive gifts, and be with my family; but, these wonderful feelings are overridden with the not-so-welcoming atmosphere of my small town. When I get home the first day is nice, the rest of the time is spent counting down the days until I return to the city.

Another thing I dislike about Christmas is being single and alone. BLAH, this makes me sound so sappy and emo, maybe I am. I just fucking despise couples and EVERYTHING to do with them, I want to fucking piss in their hot chocolates I serve at Starbucks (but I don't because I might get fired). Ok, that was a little extreme, I wouldn't ACTUALLY do that or ever seriously entertain the idea of it. But its kind of how I feel. I just want to disappear until January 2nd, unless everything changes in the next few days...

Lastly, I never usually feel this alone, sad, and all that crap... just this time of year gets to me, like many other people I assume.